A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
