Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he thought i was a dude.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
