I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
