Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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