Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Randomize
