Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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