i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
