New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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