In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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