So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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