He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
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When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
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Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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