i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
