He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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