Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
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If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
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I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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