the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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