the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
