Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
