You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Randomize
