I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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