I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
