i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
