Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
