So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
