So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
