Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
