You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
