Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
