I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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