Three words: puerto rican gang bang
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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