We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
