just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
