i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
