shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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