i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
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I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
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fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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