last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
