my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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