Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
