Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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