Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
