are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
