I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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