Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
