There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
