I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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