is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
