Your face is a jimmy john
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
