No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
