Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
