Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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