did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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