Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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