sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
