Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
