i don't like sucking hair
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
last night I used snow as a chaser
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
