First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
