shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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