First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
