you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
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No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
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but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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