if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
